Started bowing again

Today I did 108 bows for the first time in about six months. It wasn’t too hard although the first 20 or so bows were clumsy. I felt a sense of accomplishment and good energy after I completed all 108 bows. Although I feel good after lifting weights or running, completing a bowing session seems to have a different feeling that is more mental, emotional and spiritual.

I think I need to bow daily because it is one of the few activities of the day where I am almost surely creating positivity in my life. Daily bowing will also help me maintain my flexibility, coordination, and leg strength, which have decreased due to missed workouts and inactivity. This is just speculation but I think a person who bows a lot every day while living a clean, simple life will eventually have a good healthy body, high intelligence, a good character, good relationships, a good environment, and overall good fortune.

Taking a Break from Meditation

I’ve decided to take a break from meditation this month (August 2015). Recently I’ve been meditating one or two hours a day and I think I got “better” at it; I was able to get into no-mind in a few minutes and stay in no-mind for longer periods. Although thoughts and feelings sometimes arose I merely let them go and did not follow them or build on them.

I decided to stop meditating because I am getting ominous thoughts during meditation and I feel like others are able to read my thoughts–especially negative, disharmonious, or “improper” ones–while I am unable to read theirs at all (and do not try to). It is like being naked in public while everyone else is clothed. In addition, it seems like the cesspool of evil/obscene thoughts and feelings that had been deep inside me is coming to the surface for me and everyone else to see. A less important but still relevant factor is that meditating for 1 or more hours a day is time-consuming.

I am not sure if this is the right decision as I may be losing 14 years of meditation “progress” since 2000, with the last ten years of practice “enhanced” with nofap. I will continue with celibacy/nofap, weight training, martial arts and a disciplined life however.

wet dream

I had a wet dream this morning. Yesterday I was sitting at my computer and googled a sexual scenario that came into my head randomly, looked at the image results, then clicked some of the sites. I looked at one of the videos for a few seconds then closed the offending tabs. I did not touch myself or get aroused physically. For the rest of the day, I did not consciously think of the porn images or video. Late this morning I had a wet dream involving a similar scene to the video’s. I wanted to keep lying in bed but forced myself to get up and start my day.

I will go to the gym this evening; I hope I didn’t get weaker. Due to my back injury acting up again I’ve already missed several workouts in the past month and this energy drain could be a further setback.

This type of wet dream has happened a few times through the years and I see it as a “demerit” but not a “relapse” because I didn’t touch myself and I closed the sites after a few moments. Looking at porn for even a few seconds is dangerous although it might not be as harmful or draining as masturbating. At this age, I can’t afford such energy losses and I won’t be doing it again.

Opposite of “god mode”

My whole life has been the opposite of god mode*. It was like having to use Dan, the joke character, in Street Fighter. I was worse than mediocre while others seemed to look cool, have special abilities, and be respected in some way, even if they were “bad”. In my despair and ignorance, I thought that nofap/abstinence would activate god mode but it merely made me slightly less of a laughingstock. Nofap was my only hope during an especially dismal time in my life. Despite the improvements from sexual self-control, my poor genetics, ridiculous bone structure, social awkwardness, low socioeconomic status, and cringeworthy past will remain even if I am pure and celibate for decades, and I am already middle-aged. I don’t blame anyone but myself for my misery.


A lot of the kids in the nofap forums seem to be expecting god mode after a few weeks of nofap. Some are even alluding to abilities shown in movies like “Limitless” or “Lucy”. It is good to be enthusiastic and positive but reality shouldn’t be forgotten. One lesson I learned from weight training is that the amount of benefit you receive and deserve equals the amount you sacrificed to earn it. Not one milligram more or less. A few weeks–or even a few years–of abstaining will not put a “NEET” “incel” on top of the world unless they already had good attributes and were just in a mental slump.

After years of self-control, I think even some quotes from scriptures or famous authors are exaggerated. I did get stronger but I do not have the strength of ten, I don’t look as old as others my age but my grey hairs did not turn black again, and although my lifelong brainfog cleared to some extent I am not a genius, saint or hero by any means. Maybe such sayings meant to be inspiring and not to be taken literally, or maybe they are in fact accurate for people possessing a “larger root and higher capacity” than I have.

Despite the limited results, I will stay celibate because: 1) celibacy does give me real advantages that I don’t want to give up such as strength, confidence, energy, a clearer mind, more time, and a clean feeling, and 2) I want to see what happens after a very long period of celibacy.

* in video games, infinite energy, maximum stats, infinite money, etc.

Ejaculation frequency and success

The following chart is just a bit of silly fun, please don’t take it seriously. I myself spent most of my “youth” at the bottom row of the chart. I think recommended ejaculation frequencies can’t be set in stone and are a rough guideline at best. I don’t believe in ranking people like animals. The “boxer rankings” are pure speculation and probably inaccurate; I have little knowledge of the sport. But I do believe a person can drastically upgrade or downgrade his life depending on how self-controlled he is.

Ejaculation frequency Quality of life Status in pack Ranking as boxer Sphere of activity Percentage of population
Never Excellent Alpha Champion International 0.1%
A few times a year Good High beta Contender National 0.9%
A few times a month So-so Middling Beta Gatekeeper Regional 35%
A few times a week Struggling Low beta Journeyman Local 49%
More than a few times a week Failure/ridiculous Omega Tomato can Computer desk 15%

Nofap will improve you, but it won’t turn you into a god

This post is a bit sobering but I want to give people a realistic idea of what nofap or even full celibacy can achieve.

When I first started nofap I honestly expected it to radically change my life and transform me into a superhuman. Quotes on celibacy from spiritual teachers and famous athletes instilled this expectation. After ten years of nofap, I can say that it definitely improved my life, but the changes weren’t as freakish as I’d hoped. For example, despite several years of complete celibacy and grueling effort in the gym, there was still a limit to my strength, size and aesthetic gains due to things like muscle fiber quantity, location of muscle insertions, hormonal profile, bone structure, and even the size of my hands. As far as I know, such things are genetic and can’t be changed significantly without expensive and dangerous drugs or surgery.

To give another example, my attractiveness to women did not change much due to nofap (although I didn’t expect it to). Nofap didn’t change the bone structure of my face and body, my social status, or my manner of talking and acting, which were developed through a lifetime of social interaction (or lack of it). Women still judge me as an undesirable as soon as they look at me and I will have to live with that.

Each aspect of self-improvement (body, intelligence, skills, personality, etc.) needs time and effort for progress to be made. Nofap just gave me the energy and confidence to start, extra time to improve myself, and the ability to keep the slight gains I made each day without dissipating them through sex or masturbation.

I still think nofap is worthwhile because if I hadn’t started it I probably would not have made any progress in anything and I could have deteriorated even further. I will continue doing it for the rest of my life. There are probably few things as good as nofap to improve one’s life, but nofap on it’s own won’t improve a person beyond his genetic or karmic limits.

Weight training tip

Relatively late in my weight training career, I’ve made a new yet basic discovery. Adding more exercises for each muscle group helps me gain strength and size faster. For example, until recently, I only did two sets of most movements, except for squats, which I’d do three or four sets of. I’d do two sets of shoulder press, bench press, and dumbbell row, three sets of weighted chins, and one or two sets of deadlifts.

This wasn’t enough volume to make rapid strength or size gains. My chest strength (bench press) in particular saw very little progress over the years, while my back strength (chins and rows) was much better. I thought this was because I was naturally stronger in pulling movements than pushing. Now I think the reason is that I always did five sets of pulling movements (three sets of weighted chins and two sets of dumbbell rows) while I only did two sets of bench press each workout.

Now I do at least three sets for each muscle group. For chest, I do two sets of flat bench and one set of incline press, or vice versa, depending on which benches are available. I’ve also added two sets of pushups (for chest), and two sets each of bethaks, frog jumps, and duck walks (for legs) as “finishers” at the end the workout. These finishers improve my mind-muscle link, enhance balance/coordination, train higher rep ranges, improve endurance, and exhaust the muscle beyond the brief, intense work done with weights.

With this approach, workouts are longer and I need to rest for at least two days between workouts for the soreness to go away. However the size and strength gains seems to be coming faster. I jog, stretch, or do martial arts on some of the days I don’t lift weights, so I still exercise four or five days a week.

For protein, I’ve settled on eating a 750 gram container of plain greek yogurt almost every day (I add honey for taste). I find this better than whey protein because it’s less processed. Cottage cheese is a bit cheaper and higher in protein but not as easy to eat in large quantities. Greek yogurt is expensive and I plan to stop eating so much of it after I reach a certain bodyweight.

Nofap “Superpowers”

A lot of guys on the nofap groups are claiming “superpowers” from nofap. These include a deeper voice, attention from women, more energy, higher confidence, more strength in the gym, improved intelligence, less social anxiety, and higher status among guys. Here are my thoughts and experiences on each of these points.

  • I didn’t notice my voice getting deeper from nofap. My voice is actually deep for a small guy, although getting severely bullied in my 20s caused me to strain my voice higher (permanently). It’s notable that big, strong, dominant men sometimes have high-pitched or soft voices while the voices of physically smaller men can be deep and masculine.
  • Nofap definitely gave me more energy. I can work or exercise more intensely for much longer periods. I also don’t need as much sleep as I did in the past.
  • Nofap did improve my confidence and self-esteem. I feel cleaner and more disciplined, and feel that I have an edge over most other guys because I am one of the few who is saving his seed. This confidence sometimes morphs into arrogance. When I feel arrogant I remind myself that I have a lot of work to do to overcome my miserable past and poor genetics.
  • Like I mentioned in previous posts, nofap (hardmode) gave me strength and muscle in the gym. This was one of the biggest benefits for me and the reason I started nofap. At age 30, I finally went beyond beginner level in my lifts and was able to gain some muscle.
  • It took 5 or more years of nofap for my lifelong brainfog to start going away. I can remember more of what I read, and I am willing to read material other than novels. I also have more “intellectual confidence”. Daily meditation may have also helped clear the brainfog.
  • Nofap did not bring me more attention from women and I didn’t expect it to. I think the young guys who report more interest from women (sometimes after only a few days of nofap) are decent-looking to begin with, and nofap just improved their confidence and assertiveness. I’ve been doing nofap for 10 years and I am still a nonentity to women.
  • My social anxiety did not go away; if anything, it is worse than ever because the pent-up energy causes very strong and crazy intrusive thoughts or impulses. I am actually thinking of quitting nofap because of this.
  • My status among guys has risen (hopefully) from an omega to low or middling beta. This was after 4 to 10 years of nofap, force-feeding, hard training in the gym, meditation, spiritual study, and desperately intensive work on myself. I will assume most other guys continued life as usual, coasting on their good genetics and status, living without much morality or discipline. I am no longer the scapegoat by default (I hope) but I still get little respect in daily life. Sadly, in the big picture I am still just a peon and it might be foolish to expect more improvement at this age. So a few weeks of nofap is not enough to raise a guy’s status, unless he had very good underlying qualities (genetics, status, etc.) that couldn’t be expressed due to masturbation.

I am happy for the teens and young adults who describe near-magical results after a few days or weeks of nofap, and I’m glad they are improving their life. Maybe starting nofap in one’s late teens or early 20s really does have far better results than starting at age 30. I was much more wide-eyed, sensitive, excitable, and impressionable when I was younger and I might have reported similar results. However, for me, a few weeks or even a few years of nofap wasn’t enough to undo years, decades, or maybe even centuries of bad habits, poor genetics, family curses, bad karma, low confidence, and negative experiences. Nofap does work, but it is a lifelong thing and not a miracle cure.

One year of hard mode

It’s been about a year since I started my current “hard mode” streak. I viewed no porn, had no sex, and abstained from masturbation. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t terribly hard either, as I’ve recorded hard mode streaks of two or more years in the past.

My current mindset is to try not to care or have any interest in sex and women.  This is not easy for me as my ego and fleshy desires are incredibly stubborn, unruly, devious, and hard to annihilate. This is despite countless brutal rejections from girls in my teens and 20s, a decade of nofap, and years of meditation and spiritual study.

I gained a bit of muscle and strength this past year but not as much as I could have, because my schedule didn’t allow me to lift weights regularly.

I did not experience any breakthroughs in meditation despite meditating 40 or more minutes daily. Improvement has been very slow, subtle, and gradual in the form of better concentration, more self-awareness,  better intuition, and noticing of synchronicities.

I plan to go for 11 more years in hardmode to test the claim that 12 years of celibacy leads to god-realization. The saying may be a metaphor not to be taken literally, and the required period of abstinence may vary depending on a person’s capacity and karma. But I do believe the message that saving sexual energy over a long period enhances spiritual development.