A few days ago I passed my tenth year of not masturbating. I’ve come a long way since I began my journey in late October 2004 as a scrawny, weak, dull, timid, lazy, and foreveralone young “man” that people picked on and sneered at. I’ve gained strength and muscle from weight training and athleticism from martial arts. I look young for my age and feel healthy (like I should have felt during my teens and 20s). I can do mental math, I can read faster with better comprehension and retention, and I have a broader, faster, clearer mind. Emotionally, I’ve gained confidence, boldness, resilience, and yang energy. I have the energy and drive to set ambitious goals and work relentlessly to achieve them despite difficulty, danger, and hardship.
I’ve adopted good habits like doing 108 bows and meditating about an hour every day.
Despite my progress, I still have a long way to go. First, my accomplishment was only nofap and not complete abstinence. I was perfectly celibate for the first few years but I had sex several times a year after that. Each time I had sex I felt exhausted and it took me about two weeks to recover. Now I intend to be completely celibate in thought, word, and action and not waste any more sexual energy.
Second, I am struggling with issues like horrible intrusive thoughts, social anxiety, a bad temper, arrogance, energy stuck in the genitals, and a cold hardness in my personality. I was once the last and least out of all guys, now, although I’ve only improved a little, I am trying to suppress feelings of arrogance because I don’t masturbate while most other guys probably do. I am not sure of how to deal with these problems; maybe a meditation retreat or a lot of bowing (1000s a day) or prayer will help.
Difficulties aside, I am giving myself a pat on the back for good effort and progress up to now. I feel the real journey — including full celibacy, meditation retreats, spiritual development, and service to others — is just beginning.