Brain fog, Body fog

Since childhood, I suffered from brain fog and body fog. This was even before I started masturbating at age 16. My mind never felt very sharp, clear, or energetic when I was young. I read a lot of novels but beyond that my mind was mediocre, sloppy, lazy, and shallow. My body fog symptoms included dyspraxia, weak/slow muscles, and drowsiness. I also had frequent nosebleeds that would last for minutes.

The fogs worsened drastically after I started masturbating, I was rendered a semi-invalid. I couldn’t focus on any text beyond magazines, comic books, and novels. I never improved in running or weights despite regular training, and I was extremely passive, shy and lacking in social confidence. In addition, a fog in one area would affect not just that area but also the other aspects of my functioning.

I didn’t make progress in anything in my teens or 20s; in fact I degenerated. I studied a useless social science at university and my grades were not good enough for a decent grad school so I didn’t even apply. My muscle mass and lifts never went beyond beginner level despite years of sporadic training. I was too shy and scared to work at a job related to my major so I took dead-end office jobs where I didn’t learn anything and got bullied by middle-aged men. I had no real friends or girlfriend although I desperately wanted them.

After I quit masturbating, the fogs slowly lifted. I was fully celibate for 3 or 4 years before the brainfog started clearing. I think daily meditation helped a lot in clearing the brain fog. The body fog (dyspraxia/weakness/drowsiness) lifted relatively quickly, in about a year.

I don’t know why I had those fogs in the first place. Were they from some tangible cause like malnutrition or loss of blood? Or were they a part of the “bad energy” package I received from intergenerational or past life karma. With celibacy and a decent lifestyle, I am working to be free of them for good.

11 years of nofap, 1.5 years of celibacy, unrelated ramble

It’s been almost 11 years since I started nofap. I’ve also been celibate for the past year and a half. I don’t even want to masturbate or look at porn.
I am noticing some physical aging despite nofap/celibacy, regular exercise, and a near-vegan diet. There’s been some hair loss/greying and wrinkling of skin. I am ok with this, I did not choose this lifestyle to look young or impressive. Even my weight training focused on function, not appearance.

I started meditating again about a month ago for about an hour a day and sometimes more. But there’s been no noticeable “progress”. I will increase my sitting time to two hours a day.
I haven’t been bowing regularly due to laziness.

I intend to stick with nofap for the rest of my life and I don’t think it will be hard. But I don’t know if celibacy is for me. Maybe celibacy is for people who had relatively full and good lives in the world but decided to move on to higher things.

The following is just an unrelated ramble I wrote showing where I’m at philosophically:

when faced with a problem, i won’t look for “solutions” anymore.

i won’t try to improve myself until i feel the confidence to face a problem. i won’t try to get richer, better-educated, more witty, cooler, or more muscular and come back to try another day. this was my approach in the past and all of my improvements were marginal at best. i think this method is cowardly and foolish. in addition, i’m getting old and no longer even have the time to “improve” myself that much.

i will still try to work hard in everyday life, do my best, and all that. but i won’t try to get courage from any abilities i may have.

from now on i will face problems directly, nakedly, with only my spirit, and if i die, i die.

Started bowing again

Today I did 108 bows for the first time in about six months. It wasn’t too hard although the first 20 or so bows were clumsy. I felt a sense of accomplishment and good energy after I completed all 108 bows. Although I feel good after lifting weights or running, completing a bowing session seems to have a different feeling that is more mental, emotional and spiritual.

I think I need to bow daily because it is one of the few activities of the day where I am almost surely creating positivity in my life. Daily bowing will also help me maintain my flexibility, coordination, and leg strength, which have decreased due to missed workouts and inactivity. This is just speculation but I think a person who bows a lot every day while living a clean, simple life will eventually have a good healthy body, high intelligence, a good character, good relationships, a good environment, and overall good fortune.

Taking a Break from Meditation

I’ve decided to take a break from meditation this month (August 2015). Recently I’ve been meditating one or two hours a day and I think I got “better” at it; I was able to get into no-mind in a few minutes and stay in no-mind for longer periods. Although thoughts and feelings sometimes arose I merely let them go and did not follow them or build on them.

I decided to stop meditating because I am getting ominous thoughts during meditation and I feel like others are able to read my thoughts–especially negative, disharmonious, or “improper” ones–while I am unable to read theirs at all (and do not try to). It is like being naked in public while everyone else is clothed. In addition, it seems like the cesspool of evil/obscene thoughts and feelings that had been deep inside me is coming to the surface for me and everyone else to see. A less important but still relevant factor is that meditating for 1 or more hours a day is time-consuming.

I am not sure if this is the right decision as I may be losing 14 years of meditation “progress” since 2000, with the last ten years of practice “enhanced” with nofap. I will continue with celibacy/nofap, weight training, martial arts and a disciplined life however.

wet dream

I had a wet dream this morning. Yesterday I was sitting at my computer and googled a sexual scenario that came into my head randomly, looked at the image results, then clicked some of the sites. I looked at one of the videos for a few seconds then closed the offending tabs. I did not touch myself or get aroused physically. For the rest of the day, I did not consciously think of the porn images or video. Late this morning I had a wet dream involving a similar scene to the video’s. I wanted to keep lying in bed but forced myself to get up and start my day.

I will go to the gym this evening; I hope I didn’t get weaker. Due to my back injury acting up again I’ve already missed several workouts in the past month and this energy drain could be a further setback.

This type of wet dream has happened a few times through the years and I see it as a “demerit” but not a “relapse” because I didn’t touch myself and I closed the sites after a few moments. Looking at porn for even a few seconds is dangerous although it might not be as harmful or draining as masturbating. At this age, I can’t afford such energy losses and I won’t be doing it again.

Opposite of “god mode”

My whole life has been the opposite of god mode*. It was like having to use Dan, the joke character, in Street Fighter. I was worse than mediocre while others seemed to look cool, have special abilities, and be respected in some way, even if they were “bad”. In my despair and ignorance, I thought that nofap/abstinence would activate god mode but it merely made me slightly less of a laughingstock. Nofap was my only hope during an especially dismal time in my life. Despite the improvements from sexual self-control, my poor genetics, ridiculous bone structure, social awkwardness, low socioeconomic status, and cringeworthy past will remain even if I am pure and celibate for decades, and I am already middle-aged. I don’t blame anyone but myself for my misery.


A lot of the kids in the nofap forums seem to be expecting god mode after a few weeks of nofap. Some are even alluding to abilities shown in movies like “Limitless” or “Lucy”. It is good to be enthusiastic and positive but reality shouldn’t be forgotten. One lesson I learned from weight training is that the amount of benefit you receive and deserve equals the amount you sacrificed to earn it. Not one milligram more or less. A few weeks–or even a few years–of abstaining will not put a “NEET” “incel” on top of the world unless they already had good attributes and were just in a mental slump.

After years of self-control, I think even some quotes from scriptures or famous authors are exaggerated. I did get stronger but I do not have the strength of ten, I don’t look as old as others my age but my grey hairs did not turn black again, and although my lifelong brainfog cleared to some extent I am not a genius, saint or hero by any means. Maybe such sayings meant to be inspiring and not to be taken literally, or maybe they are in fact accurate for people possessing a “larger root and higher capacity” than I have.

Despite the limited results, I will stay celibate because: 1) celibacy does give me real advantages that I don’t want to give up such as strength, confidence, energy, a clearer mind, more time, and a clean feeling, and 2) I want to see what happens after a very long period of celibacy.

* in video games, infinite energy, maximum stats, infinite money, etc.

Ejaculation frequency and success

The following chart is just a bit of silly fun, please don’t take it seriously. I myself spent most of my “youth” at the bottom row of the chart. I think recommended ejaculation frequencies can’t be set in stone and are a rough guideline at best. I don’t believe in ranking people like animals. The “boxer rankings” are pure speculation and probably inaccurate; I have little knowledge of the sport. But I do believe a person can drastically upgrade or downgrade his life depending on how self-controlled he is.

Ejaculation frequency Quality of life Status in pack Ranking as boxer Sphere of activity Percentage of population
Never Excellent Alpha Champion International 0.1%
A few times a year Good High beta Contender National 0.9%
A few times a month So-so Middling Beta Gatekeeper Regional 35%
A few times a week Struggling Low beta Journeyman Local 49%
More than a few times a week Failure/ridiculous Omega Tomato can Computer desk 15%

Nofap will improve you, but it won’t turn you into a god

This post is a bit sobering but I want to give people a realistic idea of what nofap or even full celibacy can achieve.

When I first started nofap I honestly expected it to radically change my life and transform me into a superhuman. Quotes on celibacy from spiritual teachers and famous athletes instilled this expectation. After ten years of nofap, I can say that it definitely improved my life, but the changes weren’t as freakish as I’d hoped. For example, despite several years of complete celibacy and grueling effort in the gym, there was still a limit to my strength, size and aesthetic gains due to things like muscle fiber quantity, location of muscle insertions, hormonal profile, bone structure, and even the size of my hands. As far as I know, such things are genetic and can’t be changed significantly without expensive and dangerous drugs or surgery.

To give another example, my attractiveness to women did not change much due to nofap (although I didn’t expect it to). Nofap didn’t change the bone structure of my face and body, my social status, or my manner of talking and acting, which were developed through a lifetime of social interaction (or lack of it). Women still judge me as an undesirable as soon as they look at me and I will have to live with that.

Each aspect of self-improvement (body, intelligence, skills, personality, etc.) needs time and effort for progress to be made. Nofap just gave me the energy and confidence to start, extra time to improve myself, and the ability to keep the slight gains I made each day without dissipating them through sex or masturbation.

I still think nofap is worthwhile because if I hadn’t started it I probably would not have made any progress in anything and I could have deteriorated even further. I will continue doing it for the rest of my life. There are probably few things as good as nofap to improve one’s life, but nofap on it’s own won’t improve a person beyond his genetic or karmic limits.

Weight training tip

Relatively late in my weight training career, I’ve made a new yet basic discovery. Adding more exercises for each muscle group helps me gain strength and size faster. For example, until recently, I only did two sets of most movements, except for squats, which I’d do three or four sets of. I’d do two sets of shoulder press, bench press, and dumbbell row, three sets of weighted chins, and one or two sets of deadlifts.

This wasn’t enough volume to make rapid strength or size gains. My chest strength (bench press) in particular saw very little progress over the years, while my back strength (chins and rows) was much better. I thought this was because I was naturally stronger in pulling movements than pushing. Now I think the reason is that I always did five sets of pulling movements (three sets of weighted chins and two sets of dumbbell rows) while I only did two sets of bench press each workout.

Now I do at least three sets for each muscle group. For chest, I do two sets of flat bench and one set of incline press, or vice versa, depending on which benches are available. I’ve also added two sets of pushups (for chest), and two sets each of bethaks, frog jumps, and duck walks (for legs) as “finishers” at the end the workout. These finishers improve my mind-muscle link, enhance balance/coordination, train higher rep ranges, improve endurance, and exhaust the muscle beyond the brief, intense work done with weights.

With this approach, workouts are longer and I need to rest for at least two days between workouts for the soreness to go away. However the size and strength gains seems to be coming faster. I jog, stretch, or do martial arts on some of the days I don’t lift weights, so I still exercise four or five days a week.

For protein, I’ve settled on eating a 750 gram container of plain greek yogurt almost every day (I add honey for taste). I find this better than whey protein because it’s less processed. Cottage cheese is a bit cheaper and higher in protein but not as easy to eat in large quantities. Greek yogurt is expensive and I plan to stop eating so much of it after I reach a certain bodyweight.